Tag: Anxiety

If The Devil Decided To Pray

April 17, 2023
If the devil decided to pray
Would it be on a Sunday
Early in the morning
When the church bells toll
Would he get the calling
And rise from his falling
And get back in the home
He left so long ago
Would God be listening
To his pleading
And remember
All the singing
Before his friend
Cast the first stone
What if God decided to stay
And not change his ways
Would he leave the locks
On heavens door
Would he build the wall taller
And not even bother
Because he’s heard
This prayer before
But if God was listening
And not resisting
He’d find
What was missing
From his words
Left in stone
If the devil decided to pray
Would it be on a Sunday
Early in the morning
When the church bells toll
Would he get the calling
And rise from his falling
And get back in the home
He left so long ago
Lyrics by Ryan Hughes

Have You Felt This Way Before

April 13, 2023
Soul stirring abandon
Doesn’t feel random
Looking out from the shore
Fighting the surface
Where everything hurts us
If you let it reach the core
Have you felt this way before
Have you felt this way before
Have you felt
This way
Before
In a far away mansion
Hidden in madness
Locked behind an open door
A king lay dying
And the next in line is
Picking his crown up off the floor
Have you felt this way before
Have you felt this way before
Have you felt
This way
Before
A lover is waiting
Anticipating
Hoping you’ll come back for more
A whisper wanted
Becomes haunted
And screams until his throat is sore
Have you felt this way before
Have you felt this way before
Have you felt
This way
Before
Lyrics by Ryan Hughes

Back To Zero

October 31, 2022

Raptured to zero
Square one by tomorrow
But two steps forward
Leads to three behind
A four part question
Blew from every direction
Kept me five miles from forever
Dreaming of home I can never find
I prayed through six lonely days
Until the seventh became a curse
For eight to become nine
But taking its time
A revolution to make things worse

Poem and Art by Ryan Hughes

Anxiety

September 8, 2022

Anxiety
Keeps me on the edge of my seat
Anxiety
Makes me feel like I can’t breathe
Makes me feel panic
Makes me feel scared
There’s a tightness in my chest

Anxiety
Must be something wrong with me
Anxiety
I must have some kind of disease
Makes me do things I regret
And forget every word I said
Makes me wish I was dead

Anxiety
Makes me forget all of my friends
Anxiety
They can’t find me but know where I’ve been
Makes me feel damaged
Makes me feel low
Keeps me saying, I don’t know

Anxiety
Makes me forget what I need
Anxiety
I can’t enjoy anything
Makes me vicious
Makes me feel mean
Makes me feel so obscene

Anxiety
I keep forgetting all my dreams
Anxiety
Keeps me from getting any sleep
Makes me static
Makes me feel gone
Like I can’t find my way home

Anxiety
Lock me up throw away the key
Anxiety
Time will tell just wait and see
Makes me lonely
Makes me feel scared
Keeps me trapped in my head

Poem by Ryan Hughes

Feel Right

August 8, 2022

Something doesn’t feel right
When you wake in the night
You try to scream
But you know it can’t relieve
The pain that you feel inside

Back home meanwhile
They make you walk single file
And force you to dream
The shape of all you think
Into one long endless fight

I wonder what
This feeling means
Afraid of the truth
Whatever it brings

Keep forgetting your lines
But no way to rewind
Tell me now
What it is I need to grow
And how do I get right

Won’t believe
What you cannot see
I don’t trust you
You don’t trust me

Get what you require
And all you can desire
Reach your hands
For a chance to try and stand
But still wake up in the fire

Something doesn’t feel right
When you wake in the night
You try to scream
But you know it can’t relieve
The pain that you feel inside

Lyrics by Ryan Hughes

Pull The Strings

July 19, 2022

Who wants a life
I got one ready
Molded with strife
Forgotten and neglected
Here’s the strings
Pull them tight
My arms come up
I’m ready to fight
Tug at my heart
So it won’t run away
Sometimes scares you
Though it beats everyday
Here’s my words
Trying to cut you down
Pull the strings
And I’ll play the clown

Who wants a life
I’ve got one waiting
To be trusted beaten
Loved and hated
Here’s the strings
Connect all my thoughts
Pull them tight
I won’t know that I forgot

Who wants a life
I’ve got one lurking
Waiting for beauty
But always uncertain
Here’s the strings
Keep me moving slow
The tighter you pull
The less I care to know

Here’s my eyes
Demand that I always look
The master that owns me
Stepping on my foot
Saying, Here’s the path to salvation
Here’s the path you have to take
But first you have to cut the strings
And you can’t hesitate
I tell you now
It’s much easier to leave the strings
Easier to be guided by me
I’ll tell you what you need
I know the kind of life you should lead
What to believe and how to think
I know what you need
Let me pull the strings

I’ve got a life ready and waiting
Step right up no hesitating
All you gotta do is sign the dotted line
Hold on tight and you’ll do just fine
You might feel uncomfortable at first
Wearing these strings
Yeah, the suit kinda hurts
Well before long you won’t even see the strings there
You’ll be taken care of so well
You won’t even be aware
Of the tugging and toiling
And all the pain you put me through
Just to keep you in line
But you won’t even mind
Because the strings will set you free, believe me
I’m not sure about that
How could that be
Well who are you gonna believe
The one wearing the strings
Or the one pulling them

Written by Ryan Hughes

Everywhere Everything

July 8, 2022

Everywhere
Everything
Is a reflection
Of where we are
Who we are
And who we are yet to become
Haunted by who we will never be
Imagined in misery

To replace the pain we often feel
That sends our every instinct into fear
With a joy that can’t be taken away
Or ruled by decay
It takes letting go
Roll with the happening
Toil in blasphemy
Or bask in the glory
Of today

Why are you mad or troubled
Why are you feeling double the pressure to just be you
Is it because you don’t control the wheel
Just a cog in it
Don’t belong here
But that’s not mentioned in any sonnet
Where would you be of your own choosing
What would you be to replace the losing and feuding
What desire would drive you
To step out
On your own time
And morph into something miraculous

Poem by Ryan Hughes

His Dream Or Mine

June 28, 2022

God know me
Said he was lonely
Saw my struggling and thought he could help
So he introduced himself in the middle of a dream
(His dream or mine, I’m not sure which)
Then continued to follow me into the next morning
And into the next days
And soon a panic attack was induced
Because I didn’t like him watching me, smiling
Even when nothing was happening or being said
He mostly would just point out things
Like a patch of wildflowers
Or how the rain sounded late at night

I couldn’t get God off my back!
I couldn’t do anything
Without this deep fear of God
Lurking within my being
Confusing my existence
Reeking havoc on my world
Of pain for pleasure
And delusion for freedom
I wasn’t ready for his honesty
His non attachment to worry and dread

What would he find there, in my mind?
What would he uncover or reveal?

I can’t tell you what God looks like
Its more of a presence kind of, a feeling
And he scared the shit out of me!

He wanted to be friends
But I didn’t know how to be friends with him
I never knew how to talk to him or listen
But I somehow know he’s there

I’ve tried ignoring him
Hiding from him
Even denied his existence
But that feeling is still there

I only hurt myself
And destroy any sense of real peace
That I might ever be able to feel
When I don’t embrace the God within me

Written by Ryan Hughes

The Tomb

February 21, 2022

I confess my dream
To the tomb
Once out of the womb
I scream unto you
Bashful yet defiant
Brave yet fearful
Unto the tomb
I sing my songs
Waiting ever patient for me
Holding a place for me
Bound by thought yet freed by revelation
Joy and sadness consuming my being to transport me beyond the stars, beyond this place of restrictions
Beyond this freedom that my soul desires
To the tomb I dream and sing and ring out my praise
For its darkness breaks me open revealing the light within
Poem by Ryan Hughes 

Born Too Late

October 29, 2021

I can’t be satisfied, boys, until I break the bank
Open up every wound and wake up in the tank
Wondering what happened to me
Always trying to compensate
All they ever told me was
Man, you were born too late

I can’t be satisfied, boys, until I find the keys
Break open every window and turn over everything
Drive away screaming
Confused and irate
Lately I’ve been thinking
Must’ve been born too late

I can’t be satisfied, boys, until I burn the cross
Turn the flag upside down
Forget about what’s lost
Brag about my heroes
So much that I imitate
‘Cause now I’m realizing
I was born too late

I can’t be satisfied, boys, until you recognize
That all you ever did for me was judge and criticize
Kept me always waiting
Standing outside the gate
Sent a letter to me
All it said was, Born too late

I can’t be satisfied, boys, until I find the time
To heal the shame and guilt that conquers my mind
I caught myself dreaming
In a world that’s wide awake
But all I can remember
Is that I was born too late

I can’t be satisfied, boys, until I shed my skin
Crawl through every shadow that ends where it begins
Then rest upon your shoulder
And gently whisper not to wait
But all the while you’re thinking
I must’ve been born too late

Lyrics/Poem by Ryan Hughes

Another World

March 15, 2021

When you’re not living in accord
With the ways of the world
They will strip you of your joy
And say you were never born
They will conquer your freedom
With the fear of love, the pride of pain
And a God above

But there’s a world out there
That no one knows
Speaking a truth
That can’t be exposed
While we tremble in fear
Of life and death
There’s a world out there
That can’t be expressed

When you’re not living in accord
With what history said
They’ll fill you with rules
That make you wish you were dead
A head full of sin
Can’t even think
And a heart full of dreams
Won’t even beat

But there’s a world out there
That can’t be claimed
Put on a cross or kept in chains
While we tremble in fear
Of how it will end
There’s a world out there
We can’t comprehend

Poem by Ryan Hughes

Fathers and Mothers

September 29, 2020

My fathers father was abandoned it seems
So in turn my father abandoned me
My mother left stranded by the edge of the sea
A sea made of anguish and misery

And the waves they roll
Both night and day
And they took my soul
When I came of age

My mothers mother was always in need
So in turn my mother was the best she could be
Me and my brother heard how she screamed
And prayed at the altar for him and me

And the prayers they call
Both night and day
They take their toll
Then fade away

Poem by Ryan Hughes

Talking To Myself

November 7, 2019

I wonder if I’m dead
When I look behind my eyes
Locked up in my head
Believing a disguise
Try so hard to speak
Afraid to ask for help
Talking to myself

I wonder if I’m dreaming
Taking every step
Searching for the meaning
Within every breath
Listening to the demons
Beyond this earthly realm
Talking to myself

I wonder what I’m missing
Backed into a rage
Fear comes to get me
And lock me in its cage
Waiting for the angels
To save me from this hell
Talking to myself

Poem by Ryan Hughes

I Don’t Sing Love Songs Anymore

September 25, 2019

I’m not wrapped up in regret
Asking for your help
Not reaching for your hand to pull me back in
Not hoping for a change or keeping things the same
I’ve said it all before
I don’t sing love songs anymore

I’m not crying on my sleeve
Or begging you to leave
Not screaming every word or breaking every nerve
I’ve cleansed myself with booze and gave up on the truth
I’m sleeping on the floor
I don’t sing love songs anymore

I’m not burning for your flesh
Or running to your bed
I’ve laid my heart to rest but still feel it in my chest
I’ve sang a million lines to ease your worried mind
Now I’m walking out the door
I don’t sing love songs anymore

Poem by Ryan Hughes

What It Takes

September 19, 2019

I’m tired of living
But I don’t want to die
There’s things hard to look at
I can’t close my eyes
They leave me worried and wondering why
I’m tired of living
But don’t want to die

Life’s not short
Its way too long
When you’re flying high
It feels like home
Then you fall and crash and break your bones
Life’s not short
Its way too long

A lonely feeling
Is all I know
When I got no place
Left to go
I feel it deep down in my soul
A lonely feeling
Is all I know

Sometimes I wonder
What it takes
To rise from the bottom
Of everything
To stop slowly sinking down in the grave
Sometimes I wonder
What it takes

Poem by Ryan Hughes

The anger I need

August 10, 2019

The anger I need
Is the part that helps me
Fight back
Against the suffering of the world
Protecting
The sanctity of my mind

The tyranny of man
And his hijacking of the spirit
Will not hinder my soul
From flying into the flow
Of eternal bliss

Poem by Ryan Hughes

Never Know

June 19, 2019

Can you hear the moaning madness
Like silence in the distance
Only left to witness
What people say is true
And what I don’t know can kill me
My sorrow is feeling empty
I shouldn’t have no enemies
But I guess I got a few

I can’t break
The rocky, stormy weather
I can’t shake
The feeling in my soul
Ain’t it strange
How you always feel like you’re waiting
No way of escaping
What you never know

Can you feel the brewing anger
Its manic and in danger
Of turning into a stranger
To himself and all he knew
And what I hold dearly
Cannot be seen clearly
I wonder in my misery
Exactly what I should do

I can’t break
The rocky, stormy weather
I can’t shake
The feeling in my soul
Ain’t it strange
How you always feel like you’re waiting
No way of escaping
What you never know

Can you see the turning pages
Filled with fear and love and hatred
And fooled through the ages
That we get to choose
And inside all that happens
Is some type of passion
Then the moment passes
With nothing left to prove

I can’t break
The rocky, stormy weather
I can’t shake
The feeling in my soul
Ain’t it strange
How you always feel like you’re waiting
No way of escaping
What you never know

Poem/Lyrics by Ryan Hughes

Bright Side

June 13, 2019

Waiting on the bright side
Getting lost in the night time
Ain’t slept a wink, I can hardly think
Waiting on the bright side

I’ve been gone a long time
Gave up on a straight line
I’ll break on through, even if I lose
I’ve been gone a long time

Thinking with my own mind
Keeping out the old lies
I’ll pray for truth and speak it too
Thinking with my own mind

Moving to my own time
Stay in tune with my own rhymes
I’ll change the key, naturally
Moving to my own time

Reaching for the life line
Stretching from your heart to mine
It’s you I see, whenever I dream
Reaching for the life line

Waiting on the bright side
Getting lost in the night time
Ain’t slept a wink, I can hardly think
Waiting on the bright side

Poem/Lyrics by Ryan Hughes

Mysteries of Self

March 9, 2019

Where is my self?
In my head or in my chest
In my voice or in my breath
Do I move around in jest or in seriousness?

Feeling this with my heart
Feeling that with my brain
Do I think myself into existence
Exalting my being with fancy phrases
And articulate prose?

Or is my self deep within my soul?
Revealing itself through my dreams.
Or is my self in my deeds
Acting out this internal dilemma
With frustration and rage?

Is my heart the earth and my mind the sun?
Spinning in their firm embrace.
A glad but stubborn pulling of moods and emotions.
Another fire in the void

Poem by Ryan Hughes

Room

March 5, 2019

We each have our own room. These rooms come in many forms.
No matter where we go in life our room is always with us.

Some rooms are vast, encompassing multitudes of cosmic scenes.

Some rooms are detrimental to thought and shape our breath with whispers and keep or eyes shaded from any light.

Its possible to move from room to room. Ideas change, minds bend with new events and circumstance.

Sometimes we find the need to create a new room for ourselves. We construct a space meant just for us, with our own rules and boundaries. Room to grow and become something new. A form unencumbered by space.

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Poem and Drawing by Ryan Hughes